On Hatred and Affection
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: You only hate him because you love him so much that it might actually hurt, her sister tells her, and she has to admit, after a moment, that it makes a lot of sense.


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A/N: Yet another "Purgatory" post-ep. Muse didn't want to leave Eames alone...and I don't own CI.

* * *

She hates him.

That's it, pure and simple. She hates him, doesn't want anything to do with him, wishes he'd disappear. She can't remember the last time that she'd been so angry, and isn't even sure that she wants to. It almost scares her, really, not being able to compare it to something else, but then, even if she could, she doubts she'd be able to make the feeling go away. So she doesn't think about it.

Besides, at the moment, it's just easier to hate him.

* * *

The stupid thing about it is that she _really_ doesn't want to.

If there is one thing that Alex has always been fairly good at, it is getting along reasonably well with those that she works with. It isn't exactly the hardest thing in the world, she'd been willing to work if they were, and it had always been all right. And then, she'd come to Major Case, and partnered off with Bobby. It had all been shot to hell from there, technically speaking. But after a rocky start, it had finally started to work.

And at the moment, she really, _really_ hates him.

* * *

It's a trust thing, says a voice in the back of her mind.

But as usual, the other side of her argues back that it is not. That Bobby trusts her and at the moment, Alex really, _really_ hates that she doubts this. And she also really hates that her partner failed to find some way to tell her what he was doing, and she hates that he'd had practically nothing to say.

What amuses her is the fact that he was just so damn glad to have his shield back.

But there is still a lot for her to hate…at the moment.

* * *

So she seeks her refuge at her younger sister's house, only to find that her older sister is there, too.

"I hate him," she announces, slamming the door to the apartment closed behind her. "I really, really hate him."

Form where she is sprawled out on the floor, fellow detective Courtney rolls her eyes.

"You do not," she replies, and then, "You're glad he's back, aren't you?"

Alex chooses not to actually dignify this with a response and instead, comes to sit on the couch, shaking her head.

* * *

There is silence between the three Eames girls for a while after this.

Alex has always been of the opinion that her sisters probably know her better than she knows herself in moments like this. Right now, she is severely pissed off and in no mood to mess with anyone, or to have anyone mess with her. Right now, she is glad that she is away from the squad room and away from Bobby, and right now, she'd really love to hit him, but of course, she keeps this to herself.

"…and we all know you wouldn't deal with him if you hated him," Courtney is saying, when she starts paying attention again. "So are you glad he's back, or not?"

"No," says Alex, just to be difficult. "I'm back to being a damn water carrier."

"You wouldn't be in Major Case if you were a water carrier," Kaye observes, from where she sits out across the secondhand loveseat.

They leave it at that.

* * *

The first time that Alex actually said that she hated something, it had earned her a lecture.

"Hate's a strong word," her father had said, because she was all of six years old, and in need of this knowledge. "Not one you should use lightly."

She, of course, had responded with the typical Eames family brand of sarcasm and told him that she hated lectures.

He'd laughed.

But there was no one laughing now.

* * *

"I think you hate him because you pissed him off," says Courtney, after a moment. "That's gotta be it."

Alex rolls her eyes. "No, Courtney," she says. "I hate him because he forgot to get me coffee this morning. Of course I hate him because he pissed me off."

"You two have got to get this out of your systems," Kaye mutters. Alex glares. She glares back.

"It occurs to me that things like this never happened before Captain Ross took over," she remarks, and Alex scowls at her.

"Captain Deakins wouldn't have let it get this far," she retorts, annoyed. "And he sure as hell wouldn't have sent Bobby in without me."

* * *

There is a legitimate point in this.

Alex actually gets along fairly well with Ross; it's Bobby who has the problem. She hates that her partner has such a hard time adjusting to the new order of things, and she hates that they now have a commander who just doesn't seem to get it. She hates the fact that two years ago, none of this would have gone down without her, and that two years ago, no one would have dared call Bobby a 'whack job' for fear of what would happen if it reached the captain's office.

"Well, before we start off trying to figure out which captain is better suited for the MCS, even though we all tend to lean more towards one than the other," says Courtney, frowning at Alex, "Let's change the subject."

Alex shakes her head. "Let's not."

* * *

So they don't.

And Alex wanders into the kitchen, wanting a drink. Ironically, all that Courtney happens to have on hand is Glenlivet.

"You've got to be kidding me," she says. "I hate this stuff."

Courtney smirks. "So don't drink it," she replies, and sits at the table opposite Kaye, who looks at Alex and sighs.

"You don't really hate him," she says. Alex downs half the glass in one swallow. It burns down her throat as she nods.

"I know it."

* * *

But there is still a lot that she does hate.

So she downs the remainder of the contents in the glass and then slams it down so hard on the counter that it cracks.

"I almost shot him," she admits, sounding stunned by this. "We burst into that back room with our guns out and everything, and I almost freaking shot him."

"But you didn't," says Kaye, and Alex laughs, a strange bitter laugh.

"But I could have," she says, and whether it's her or the alcohol that has her suddenly close to tears, she doesn't know.

She doesn't care, either.

So she stands there with her shield and gun still on, a broken glass in one hand, and her partner's heart in the other.

"You're so obvious," Courtney tells her, then, completely serious now. "You only hate him because you love him."

* * *

And she does.

She really, really does. Has ever since that night after the interrogation with that damnable Nicole Wallace, where Nicole made comments about her being a surrogate and she'd said something and then left. He'd come after her, then, at two o'clock in the morning, standing outside her place with a pint of her favorite ice cream in hand. And she'd loved him with that partner's affection that meant that he was her best friend and besides Lewis, she was his.

That had been something, she thinks, now, and reaches for a new glass.

"I love the job," is all she says. Courtney rolls her eyes; Kaye says nothing. After a moment, Alex continues.

"So yeah," she says. "I guess that means I love my partner."

* * *

She wonders, then, if this is why she feels like she hates him.

She also wonders if it is possible for so much hatred (at the moment) to exist in the same place as that partner's affection that somehow became so much more. And as she thinks on this, she realizes vaguely that both of her sisters are watching her, but she ignores them. Instead, she pours more liquid into the glass, takes another swallow, an almost helpless expression crossing her face.

"I almost shot him," she says, again, and wipes furiously at her eyes. "I hate him."

Out of the corner of her eye, Alex can see Kaye and Courtney exchanging glances.

"He's still going to be there in the morning, Alex," Kaye says, quietly. "Will you?"

And she nods, then, because there is no other choice. She hates him enough to stay away, for now, but she loves him too much to leave.

"It's too late to walk away," she says, and then, "I wouldn't, even if I could."

"So what are you waiting for?" Courtney asks. "You can't avoid him forever.

She probably could, but she won't.

* * *

Already, she can feel the anger she'd been holding onto slipping away.

She doesn't want to hate her partner, but at the moment, it's just easier. Because if she hates him (which, like Courtney told her, is only because she's pissed), she doesn't have to remember that she would have lost him if she hadn't been the first one through the door, or if she hadn't looked. She doesn't have to remember the hurt she felt that pissed her off in the first place, and she doesn't have to remember that he'd gone in without saying a word.

"He's such an idiot sometimes," she says, tiredly now. "I don't really hate him."

"You wouldn't be so worked up about this if you did," says Kaye, and Alex nods.

"It's impossible to hate him once you know him," she says. "You just…can't."

* * *

And besides the fact that she's half in love with him, it is why she stays.

In the morning, he will be there and she will have coffee and Skittles waiting on her desk. He'll throw a paper clip at her around noon and complain about Ross; she'll throw one back at him and make some comment about Deakins (because she's not the only one who does it, anyway), and they'll answer the phone and pick up another case.

It'll be like normal, only not, because she knows that she hurt him, but he hurt her first, and this _really_ isn't the way it should work, and even if he doesn't hate her, it'll take a while to get back into sync.

But she really doesn't hate him. And she really doubts that she ever did, or ever will.

* * *

"I don't get it," she says, finally. "How can so much hatred coexist with so much affection in the same person?"

And Kaye, who has probably read enough books on psychology to rival even Bobby gives a half-hearted smile and takes Alex's glass.

"Because it's rarely ever hate in the first place," she says. "Eventually, it'll give way to whatever it is that you're really feeling."

Courtney bites back a laugh. "You read too much."

Kaye shakes her head, takes a sip from the glass, goes on. "No, I'm serious," she says. "Hatred and affection for someone can coexist in the same person because one will give way to the other. In other words," And here, she looks at Alex, "You hate him because he hurt you, and because you might actually love him enough that it hurts."

* * *

It makes sense.

In fact, it makes a lot of sense, and so Alex takes her glass back and downs the remaining contents before refilling it and passing it to Courtney. It figures, she muses, now, that talking all of this out would help. Even if she's still pissed in the morning, it won't be as bad, and maybe, just maybe, Kaye's theory will prove right.

But there is one person that she needs to talk this over with, still.

And as Courtney, in typical fashion, cracks a joke to change the subject and makes them laugh, Alex's cell phone rings.

None of them hear it.


End file.
